unlearning how to pray. (and other things i learned in the prayer room)

Last weekend I helped my friend from 24/7 Prayer Canada put together 48hrs of prayer for the city (like the one we did last year). The whole idea was to encourage folks from different church backgrounds to come together and seek God's heart for the city.

Because we didn't have as much help as we did last year, I ended up spending about 13hrs as the in-charge-person at the prayer room, both alone and with other people, over the weekend. However oddly enough, for someone trying to be so involved in promoting prayer for the city, I was really struggling with the idea of an event like this. Its hard to explain exactly why this is, I think I like the idea of prayer, it certainly has played an important role in my faith especially at specific times, but I think I was struggling with asking myself "what's the point of an event like this?" and even more specifically, "what's the point of prayer?"

I know what you're thinking... I mean I'm a missionary, I shouldn't question these things. But the questions "What kind of difference will these 48 hrs of prayer make? Is there really any point?" kept going through my head.

This made it kind of tough to promote the event with excitement. I kind of felt like a fraud encouraging people to come pray for the city while in the back of my head wondering if I really knew why I was going.  The night before my first long early morning shift in the prayer room, a friend asked me in a somewhat sarcastic manner, "So what do you expect to be different on Monday after you guys have prayed for 48hrs?" I responded by telling him that I didn't know what would be different in the city, but hopefully those who prayed for it will be changed.

There is was. Without even realizing it I had answered part of my question and frustration with prayer, especially in this context. Prayer changes us. But is that it? It seems like part of this mystery praying, but is it the only reason we pray?

Another part of the answer to my struggle came early Sunday morning. Not all of the prayer time slots were filled, so it was my job, as the in-charge-person, to pray until the next person arrived. So there I was, trying to pray for things that weren't really on my heart. Now, like many who grew up as Christians, I've always thought of prayer as one thing: me pouring my heart out to God, and then saying Amen. And no matter how many times I've been told that we should also pray by listening, meditation, contemplation, etc, I still end up finding myself following this specific "model" I learned as a child.

Anyways, that early morning I just couldn't do it; I couldn't force myself to "pray." So I just sat there and looked out the window as the city woke up, and I felt so much peace. I made myself sit still, and at that moment I experienced a much more real communion with God, without using words.

Everyday I receive a meditation from Richard Rohr from the Center for Action and Contemplation, the recent messages have been about wisdom. This is from one of his meditations a few days ago, "Enlightenment (referring to wisdom) is not about knowing as much as it is about unknowing; it is not so much learning as unlearning. It is more about entering a vast mystery than arriving at mental certitude... A too quick and easy answer is invariably a wrong one."

I think he is on to something. I believe once I think I know what prayer is, that is right when I probably don't really know at all. I realize now that part of my struggle has been wanting to know what prayer is supposed to be and really how to do it, but any "definitions" seemed insufficient. I think I'm realizing that prayer really happens somewhere between the learning and unlearning, between the knowing and unknowing. I think God is found between the seeking and the stillness. Maybe prayer is something we can describe but cannot define.

"Beauty resides where truth and goodness meet mystery..." I heard this said while listening to a podcast on beauty and art. What if this idea has something to do with prayer? What if in order to be real, to be beautiful, prayer shouldn't just contain truth and goodness, those things that are far more calculable, but also mystery, unknown, this thing that compels us but we cannot quite grasp?

During that time of stillness with God, he was reminding me that it is good to live with the mystery, to remember that in all the ways I know him, he is still unknown. And at that moment the Great unknown mystery was so very close to my heart.

Another beautiful moment came that same morning a few hours later when some friends from Echad came to the to pray together. We sat together on pillows and beanbags and each shared what was on our hearts, joys and struggles, and then together we talked with God about those things. It was in that time praying together with those people that I love, that i realized (again) that prayer also unites. It brings people together in a special, unique way.

So maybe at this point I still don't really know how to pray, but I think I'm just a little bit closer to the knowing, and also a little closer to the unknowing. Some things that are beautiful and important and necessary, aren't things that we can fully understand. But its good to live with the mystery.

new year, new pictures.

Happy new year world; we're only eleven days in and I like 2012 already. I've been terrible at blogging lately, however I haven't been terrible at communicating.. if you haven't received my updates via email and would like to please let me know.

I've finally gotten my darkroom set up again and have begun printing from some of the film I've shot since moving back to Quebec. Here are a few images from the past couple of months...