unlearning how to pray. (and other things i learned in the prayer room)

Last weekend I helped my friend from 24/7 Prayer Canada put together 48hrs of prayer for the city (like the one we did last year). The whole idea was to encourage folks from different church backgrounds to come together and seek God's heart for the city.

Because we didn't have as much help as we did last year, I ended up spending about 13hrs as the in-charge-person at the prayer room, both alone and with other people, over the weekend. However oddly enough, for someone trying to be so involved in promoting prayer for the city, I was really struggling with the idea of an event like this. Its hard to explain exactly why this is, I think I like the idea of prayer, it certainly has played an important role in my faith especially at specific times, but I think I was struggling with asking myself "what's the point of an event like this?" and even more specifically, "what's the point of prayer?"

I know what you're thinking... I mean I'm a missionary, I shouldn't question these things. But the questions "What kind of difference will these 48 hrs of prayer make? Is there really any point?" kept going through my head.

This made it kind of tough to promote the event with excitement. I kind of felt like a fraud encouraging people to come pray for the city while in the back of my head wondering if I really knew why I was going.  The night before my first long early morning shift in the prayer room, a friend asked me in a somewhat sarcastic manner, "So what do you expect to be different on Monday after you guys have prayed for 48hrs?" I responded by telling him that I didn't know what would be different in the city, but hopefully those who prayed for it will be changed.

There is was. Without even realizing it I had answered part of my question and frustration with prayer, especially in this context. Prayer changes us. But is that it? It seems like part of this mystery praying, but is it the only reason we pray?

Another part of the answer to my struggle came early Sunday morning. Not all of the prayer time slots were filled, so it was my job, as the in-charge-person, to pray until the next person arrived. So there I was, trying to pray for things that weren't really on my heart. Now, like many who grew up as Christians, I've always thought of prayer as one thing: me pouring my heart out to God, and then saying Amen. And no matter how many times I've been told that we should also pray by listening, meditation, contemplation, etc, I still end up finding myself following this specific "model" I learned as a child.

Anyways, that early morning I just couldn't do it; I couldn't force myself to "pray." So I just sat there and looked out the window as the city woke up, and I felt so much peace. I made myself sit still, and at that moment I experienced a much more real communion with God, without using words.

Everyday I receive a meditation from Richard Rohr from the Center for Action and Contemplation, the recent messages have been about wisdom. This is from one of his meditations a few days ago, "Enlightenment (referring to wisdom) is not about knowing as much as it is about unknowing; it is not so much learning as unlearning. It is more about entering a vast mystery than arriving at mental certitude... A too quick and easy answer is invariably a wrong one."

I think he is on to something. I believe once I think I know what prayer is, that is right when I probably don't really know at all. I realize now that part of my struggle has been wanting to know what prayer is supposed to be and really how to do it, but any "definitions" seemed insufficient. I think I'm realizing that prayer really happens somewhere between the learning and unlearning, between the knowing and unknowing. I think God is found between the seeking and the stillness. Maybe prayer is something we can describe but cannot define.

"Beauty resides where truth and goodness meet mystery..." I heard this said while listening to a podcast on beauty and art. What if this idea has something to do with prayer? What if in order to be real, to be beautiful, prayer shouldn't just contain truth and goodness, those things that are far more calculable, but also mystery, unknown, this thing that compels us but we cannot quite grasp?

During that time of stillness with God, he was reminding me that it is good to live with the mystery, to remember that in all the ways I know him, he is still unknown. And at that moment the Great unknown mystery was so very close to my heart.

Another beautiful moment came that same morning a few hours later when some friends from Echad came to the to pray together. We sat together on pillows and beanbags and each shared what was on our hearts, joys and struggles, and then together we talked with God about those things. It was in that time praying together with those people that I love, that i realized (again) that prayer also unites. It brings people together in a special, unique way.

So maybe at this point I still don't really know how to pray, but I think I'm just a little bit closer to the knowing, and also a little closer to the unknowing. Some things that are beautiful and important and necessary, aren't things that we can fully understand. But its good to live with the mystery.

a little update.

Quebec City

The Plains of Abraham, Quebec City
Reminds me of sand dunes 

In memory of my Pop pop
10.27.1927 to 2.5.2011
Silver Gelatin Print
I took this photo in October 2010, the last time I was with him before he died.

It has been a little while since I’ve updated everyone on Montreal and the ywam world. I’m going to attempt to be brief but a lot has happened in the past month and a half since I was home for Christmas.

It’s been a month since the 24/7 Prayer weekend. I worked with the head of 24/7 prayer Canada to organize 48 hrs of prayer for the city. It was fantastic! We had many churches from different regions of the city come together in Downtown Montreal right in between the Universities and the center of Montreal’s sex industry. What a powerful time… and a whole lot of work. I am honored to have been able to participate in this.

In January an incredible man named Paul Martinson came to spend the week with us, he was our speaker on ‘Knowing God’, which was actually an excuse to talk about whatever he wanted. The Lord used him to speak wisdom and truth to my DTS group, we have had some real trials as a group and he was really sensitive to what the Lord wanted to speak to us.

I’ve really loved my time at St. James drop in center. I am enjoying building friendships with a few of the folks that go there. I’m learning so much, these guys have faced some harsh realities, but they have built a beautiful and interesting community.

We had a great trip to Quebec City a few weeks ago. It was good to get away and spend some time growing as a group without the usual distractions. I really enjoyed the time we took to learn about Quebecois history and culture. We also went to Café Mosaic, a coffee shop started by a former pastor, who spent an evening with us sharing his vision. The whole purpose of the Café is to build loving friendships with those in the community, and because coffee shops tend to be places with lots of regular customers they have been able to establish many relationships. Volunteers and one paid manager run it, and all profits are sown into the community. Café Mosaic is one of the most interesting and fruitful examples of Christians loving their surrounding community that I’ve seen since I’ve been here learning about different ministries.

My brother and I drove down to New Jersey for my grandfather’s funeral last week. It was a very sad time, and harder than I thought it would be, but so good to be with family to remember him. I’m so glad I could be there.

It has been a very challenging few months for my group as a whole as well as for me personally. There have been a lot of changes and transitions and we have had a few weeks that were just emotionally exhausting. Thankfully the Lord is so gracious. It has been very humbling to find out just how broken I am and learning to trust the Lord to heal me and redeem broken relationships. But it hasn’t been easy, and the process has far from ended.


I'm looking forward to the visit of my family and a few others from Charlotte in a couple of weeks. It'll be fun to watch part of my Charlotte world and my Montreal world collide for a week!

Prayer for the city.

I had the privilege of being involved in organizing 48 hours of prayer for Montreal in a prayer room that was created downtown this past weekend. I was a really beautiful time of intercession and unity among believers. We were praying specifically for the downtown borough Ville Marie. I was asked to photograph specific key areas in Ville Marie that are somewhat representative of certain aspects and industries in the city so that we could pray over these places and the activities that take place at each of them.

The corner of St. Catherine and St. Laurent- praying for those caught in the sex industry

Place Des Arts- praying for the arts community

McGill University- praying for education

UQAM- praying for education

Concordia University- praying for education

Atwater parc- praying for the city's homeless

Place Ville Marie- praying for the business community

A man raising his hands in worship during the 48 hours of prayer for Montreal