unlearning how to pray. (and other things i learned in the prayer room)

Last weekend I helped my friend from 24/7 Prayer Canada put together 48hrs of prayer for the city (like the one we did last year). The whole idea was to encourage folks from different church backgrounds to come together and seek God's heart for the city.

Because we didn't have as much help as we did last year, I ended up spending about 13hrs as the in-charge-person at the prayer room, both alone and with other people, over the weekend. However oddly enough, for someone trying to be so involved in promoting prayer for the city, I was really struggling with the idea of an event like this. Its hard to explain exactly why this is, I think I like the idea of prayer, it certainly has played an important role in my faith especially at specific times, but I think I was struggling with asking myself "what's the point of an event like this?" and even more specifically, "what's the point of prayer?"

I know what you're thinking... I mean I'm a missionary, I shouldn't question these things. But the questions "What kind of difference will these 48 hrs of prayer make? Is there really any point?" kept going through my head.

This made it kind of tough to promote the event with excitement. I kind of felt like a fraud encouraging people to come pray for the city while in the back of my head wondering if I really knew why I was going.  The night before my first long early morning shift in the prayer room, a friend asked me in a somewhat sarcastic manner, "So what do you expect to be different on Monday after you guys have prayed for 48hrs?" I responded by telling him that I didn't know what would be different in the city, but hopefully those who prayed for it will be changed.

There is was. Without even realizing it I had answered part of my question and frustration with prayer, especially in this context. Prayer changes us. But is that it? It seems like part of this mystery praying, but is it the only reason we pray?

Another part of the answer to my struggle came early Sunday morning. Not all of the prayer time slots were filled, so it was my job, as the in-charge-person, to pray until the next person arrived. So there I was, trying to pray for things that weren't really on my heart. Now, like many who grew up as Christians, I've always thought of prayer as one thing: me pouring my heart out to God, and then saying Amen. And no matter how many times I've been told that we should also pray by listening, meditation, contemplation, etc, I still end up finding myself following this specific "model" I learned as a child.

Anyways, that early morning I just couldn't do it; I couldn't force myself to "pray." So I just sat there and looked out the window as the city woke up, and I felt so much peace. I made myself sit still, and at that moment I experienced a much more real communion with God, without using words.

Everyday I receive a meditation from Richard Rohr from the Center for Action and Contemplation, the recent messages have been about wisdom. This is from one of his meditations a few days ago, "Enlightenment (referring to wisdom) is not about knowing as much as it is about unknowing; it is not so much learning as unlearning. It is more about entering a vast mystery than arriving at mental certitude... A too quick and easy answer is invariably a wrong one."

I think he is on to something. I believe once I think I know what prayer is, that is right when I probably don't really know at all. I realize now that part of my struggle has been wanting to know what prayer is supposed to be and really how to do it, but any "definitions" seemed insufficient. I think I'm realizing that prayer really happens somewhere between the learning and unlearning, between the knowing and unknowing. I think God is found between the seeking and the stillness. Maybe prayer is something we can describe but cannot define.

"Beauty resides where truth and goodness meet mystery..." I heard this said while listening to a podcast on beauty and art. What if this idea has something to do with prayer? What if in order to be real, to be beautiful, prayer shouldn't just contain truth and goodness, those things that are far more calculable, but also mystery, unknown, this thing that compels us but we cannot quite grasp?

During that time of stillness with God, he was reminding me that it is good to live with the mystery, to remember that in all the ways I know him, he is still unknown. And at that moment the Great unknown mystery was so very close to my heart.

Another beautiful moment came that same morning a few hours later when some friends from Echad came to the to pray together. We sat together on pillows and beanbags and each shared what was on our hearts, joys and struggles, and then together we talked with God about those things. It was in that time praying together with those people that I love, that i realized (again) that prayer also unites. It brings people together in a special, unique way.

So maybe at this point I still don't really know how to pray, but I think I'm just a little bit closer to the knowing, and also a little closer to the unknowing. Some things that are beautiful and important and necessary, aren't things that we can fully understand. But its good to live with the mystery.

finally back

About 6 months ago, while riding on a train from New York City to Montreal, I began writing. I was trying to as honestly as possible to begin reflecting and processing through the experiences I had had in the months prior: all that I had learned through the dts, and life outside of it; what I was beginning to understand about community; what I was beginning to understand about myself. My attitude at that moment was somewhere between joyful and confused... mostly confused though, it is harder to understand things while you are still in the middle of them.

A few weeks ago I was back on that same train riding through those beautiful mountains and I began writing again. Naturally my perspective was very different, although once again I was in a very reflective mood (gotta love the mountains, they inspire). It was lovely to spend those hours alone, soaking the view and good music, thinking, praying, wondering. Maybe its because it is fall (which happens to be one of my favorite things), but I'm pretty sure that train through those mountains is magic.

Maybe someday I'll be able to make sense enough of what I've written in all of these attempts to process life to share with the some of you. Maybe not, we'll see.

But at last here I am, back in the city and full of anticipation!
I realized why I have been terrible about updating this blog, usually I use photos to tell the story of what is happening with me, but due to quite a bit of trouble with my luggage, the camera I usually use (along with some of my darkroom equipment) hasn't quite made it yet (fortunately my cameras will be here any day now, however if anyone wishes to contribute to the safely-ship-Alyce's-darkroom-equipment-to-Quebec fund please feel free to do so with the donation button at the bottom of the page). So here is a brief update on whats happening with me:

I've started taking french classes, which takes up quite a bit of time, but I'm learning and reviewing much grammar and things that I've forgotten. I started helping out again at St. James drop in center for the homeless; I'm helping more in the art room now than before, which is really fun, and I've learned quite a bit from the guys who come there. I've been doing lots of different things for ywam; doing some work on the website, preparing for the a big ywam conference on the challenge of post-Christendom we are hosting this spring. We are also in the middle of a lot of transition (which is both exciting and frustrating, to say the least), so there have been many conversations about our vision, ideas and plans for the upcoming season, and how our presence in the city and the christian community should change or adjust, if we will have another dts, if we will do something completely different (feel free to email me for specific ways you can pray about this with us).

Thankyouthankyouthankyou to all of those who have encouraged and supported me. It means more than you know.

As I was writing this the mailman came to the door with the box containing my camera, running shoes, extra hard drive, and a few other things I've been missing. woohoo!

a quick trip.

Last week I went with my family to Montréal for a week. This visit had been planned for some time, it had been a while since we had all been together with Brendan and Caroline without any ministry happening, and originally this trip was supposed to be when I went up to Montréal to stay, before plans changed.

It was so lovely to be there in the summertime; everything is so very alive! You can imagine in a place that stays frozen for so much of the year, the months of warm weather will be lived fully.. unlike in the south where the heat is often unbearable. Almost everyday was spent outside enjoying the city and our time together as a family and with good friends.

It was a good respite from this odd in-between preparation time. I was sad to leave.

I want to thank you all for showing me support over the last week or so! Over the past few days a number of folks have decided to support me financially on this journey of ministry. I still need 17 individuals or families to commit to supporting me with $30 a month, please pray about joining me in this. You can give with the paypal donate button at the bottom of this blog, or for other ways email me at alycehardee@gmail.com

Downtown Montréal during the fashion and design festival

My ridiculously cool siblings

getting ready.

Its been a fun and busy few weeks up here. My family and the La Clef team came up here for a visit, we celebrated the 25th anniversary of ywam Montreal with a big party, and as often as I've been able to I've worked on photos for the arts night that is coming up this weekend. Yesterday I locked myself in my bedroom-turned-darkroom all afternoon and evening to finish printing all the photos for this weekend. I'm working on a handful of pieces with some older images that I've kept around waiting for the right combination and time to bring them out, as well as some new work from my time in Montreal. Here is a bit of what I have been doing. I'll have more photos of the finished pieces up here as well.

trying so hard to be organized

a little update.

Quebec City

The Plains of Abraham, Quebec City
Reminds me of sand dunes 

In memory of my Pop pop
10.27.1927 to 2.5.2011
Silver Gelatin Print
I took this photo in October 2010, the last time I was with him before he died.

It has been a little while since I’ve updated everyone on Montreal and the ywam world. I’m going to attempt to be brief but a lot has happened in the past month and a half since I was home for Christmas.

It’s been a month since the 24/7 Prayer weekend. I worked with the head of 24/7 prayer Canada to organize 48 hrs of prayer for the city. It was fantastic! We had many churches from different regions of the city come together in Downtown Montreal right in between the Universities and the center of Montreal’s sex industry. What a powerful time… and a whole lot of work. I am honored to have been able to participate in this.

In January an incredible man named Paul Martinson came to spend the week with us, he was our speaker on ‘Knowing God’, which was actually an excuse to talk about whatever he wanted. The Lord used him to speak wisdom and truth to my DTS group, we have had some real trials as a group and he was really sensitive to what the Lord wanted to speak to us.

I’ve really loved my time at St. James drop in center. I am enjoying building friendships with a few of the folks that go there. I’m learning so much, these guys have faced some harsh realities, but they have built a beautiful and interesting community.

We had a great trip to Quebec City a few weeks ago. It was good to get away and spend some time growing as a group without the usual distractions. I really enjoyed the time we took to learn about Quebecois history and culture. We also went to Café Mosaic, a coffee shop started by a former pastor, who spent an evening with us sharing his vision. The whole purpose of the Café is to build loving friendships with those in the community, and because coffee shops tend to be places with lots of regular customers they have been able to establish many relationships. Volunteers and one paid manager run it, and all profits are sown into the community. Café Mosaic is one of the most interesting and fruitful examples of Christians loving their surrounding community that I’ve seen since I’ve been here learning about different ministries.

My brother and I drove down to New Jersey for my grandfather’s funeral last week. It was a very sad time, and harder than I thought it would be, but so good to be with family to remember him. I’m so glad I could be there.

It has been a very challenging few months for my group as a whole as well as for me personally. There have been a lot of changes and transitions and we have had a few weeks that were just emotionally exhausting. Thankfully the Lord is so gracious. It has been very humbling to find out just how broken I am and learning to trust the Lord to heal me and redeem broken relationships. But it hasn’t been easy, and the process has far from ended.


I'm looking forward to the visit of my family and a few others from Charlotte in a couple of weeks. It'll be fun to watch part of my Charlotte world and my Montreal world collide for a week!

Prayer for the city.

I had the privilege of being involved in organizing 48 hours of prayer for Montreal in a prayer room that was created downtown this past weekend. I was a really beautiful time of intercession and unity among believers. We were praying specifically for the downtown borough Ville Marie. I was asked to photograph specific key areas in Ville Marie that are somewhat representative of certain aspects and industries in the city so that we could pray over these places and the activities that take place at each of them.

The corner of St. Catherine and St. Laurent- praying for those caught in the sex industry

Place Des Arts- praying for the arts community

McGill University- praying for education

UQAM- praying for education

Concordia University- praying for education

Atwater parc- praying for the city's homeless

Place Ville Marie- praying for the business community

A man raising his hands in worship during the 48 hours of prayer for Montreal

winter

The winter landscape brings a certain calm and stillness. I took these during an afternoon walk through Parc La Fontaine.

 

Welcome, 2011.

One of the things I love about flying is that it forces me to sit still; it removes me from my normal world into an in-between where I can more easily reflect. Usually I don’t sleep the much night before flying, so I’m tired; too tired to read or make friends with other passengers, but not quite enough to fall asleep. So I get to let my mind wander.

Today’s airplane experience was no exception. I was up late last night spending time with good friends, packing, and talking with my little sisters. The soundtrack to my first flight was The Tallest Man on Earth, which is perfect for daydreaming. I was excited to see the Charlotte skyline from above just before settling in for the flight. 

I’ve been thinking through the past month or so and all that has happened and all that the Lord has done in my heart and mind. I am constantly amazed at how he works and his grace in my life. I am so thankful for the rich family heritage that I have been given, and the part that I play in my family’s story. I am thankful for the blessing and opportunity it has been for me to spend these months in Montreal. I am learning bit-by-bit more of the fullness and beauty of the body of Christ and what real fellowship looks like among broken people. I have seen Jesus work in some seemingly impossible situations to bring reconciliation. I am thankful to be able to enjoy such an incredible and unique culture. I am thankful for my many friends that are all over who continue to encourage and support me. How did I get so lucky to have such fantastic people around me? I am incredibly blessed to have them showing love and truth into my life.

This New Year is one of the first I have entered into with few expectations. It is an adventure following Jesus, and I am excited to see what we’ll do together in 2011.

Detroit Airport, 1/2/11

from the darkroom.

Here is a little sample of the 35mm work I've been doing in my darkroom. All photos were shot in Montreal. I love black and white. I love this city. 

Parc Jarry

Storefront, Parc-Extension

Metro Outremont

My neighborhood, Parc-Extension

Downtown Montreal

My Neighborhood, Parc-Extension

Metro Jean-Talon

Metro Jean-Talon/Metro Beaubien

Metro BerryUQAM

Metro BerryUQAM

Mont Royal

a quick update..

It has been busy month for me.. and I don’t think I would really be doing anyone justice to try to sum up everything, so I won’t.

A few weeks ago a man speaker named Jeff Pratt came and spent a week with us. All I knew about him was that he would be speaking to us about spiritual disciplines. I was excited, at last someone would clear things up for me in this broad and necessary subject. I had no idea that we would have very little actual discussion on spiritual disciplines. Jeff led us into many times of real self-examination and times alone with God to face the realities of our relationships with him, for good and for bad. For me it was kind of scary; I naturally have a difficult time opening myself up to the Lord fully, it is easier at times to keep him at an arms length than to truly become vulnerable. But what a beautiful and honest time it was. Spiritual disciplines are so much more about living than the theories I had always made them, and there is no formula, there cannot be. It has been so good to enter into communion with the Lord with no agenda other than enjoying his presence.

Much has continued to develop during my time here, one of which is my involvement with 24/7 prayer Canada. Plans are moving forward for a 48hour prayer event in the beginning of January, which I am really excited about!

I’m looking forward to heading home at Christmas for two weeks, and I’m looking forward to seeing lots of you then.

Lauren and baby exclamation!

 

 

A little bit of Toronto

Montreal is a Laboratory.

Right now I'm sitting by a window in La Grand Bibliotheque in downtown Montreal and have been reflecting on all that has happened over the past 6 weeks. First of all, I cannot believe its been 6 weeks already! Time has a way of tricking us, the more we fill it the faster it goes by. My time in Montreal certainly has been very very full, which is why blogging has fallen by the wayside, I've needed the time to process all that has happened before I could really write about it.

The only word I can think of to describe this DTS is holistic, it has been challenging and exciting and thought provoking in so many way; in areas such as personal spiritual growth, ministry in an urban context both theoretically and practically, community life, finding areas to get involved in the city. I've learned so much about the Christian network in Montreal, it is so small that everyone must work together. Every ministry is very connected with every other ministry in the city, I find this so unique, especially after living in places where there seems to be more division in the church than there is unity.

The past few weeks I've begun helping at St. James, a drop-in center for the homeless and destitute. Most of the folks who come are dealing with serious substance abuse problems and in most cases mental instability. St. James offers them the opportunity to spend their days off the streets, have a meal, take a nap, make art, and enter into a supportive community. The staff also helps them with handling their finances, and finding jobs and apartments. Mainly all that I do at St. James is build friendships with those who come and helping the staff with whatever they need. There is such a beautiful community among the men and women who come to the center, in spite of their circumstances they show so much love to each other. 

Last week we spent time with a (brilliant) man named Glen Smith, the head of Christian Direction. Together we went through what the bible has to say about cities, looking at God's heart for the city, and the call of believers in cities. Afterwards we took all that we learned in scripture and all that the Lord was speaking to us individually through scripture and each developed a 'theology for cities'. I was most moved by the Jeremiah 29, when God calls Israel who is shamed and in exile, to become intimately rooted in the city of Babylon and its structure (socially, economically, culturally), praying on behalf of the city, because "in its welfare, you will find your welfare" (Jer 29:7). He calls them to live as the people of God in this foreign place, seeking redemption and goodness for the city.

We also spoke with Glen about what this means practically for a city like Montreal. We met his daughter who has begun a project with some kids in poor neighborhoods, teaching them basic financial skills and budgeting. They recently gave this group of children $100 and have helped them start a business making chocolates to sell over the holidays. The kids decided themselves that whatever profits they make will be given to a charity. What an awesome and creative idea! Not only are they teaching kids how handle money and giving them practical experience, but most of these children come from broken families and live in difficult circumstances and Glen's daughter and the staff are believe in them and are showing them how to work hard and persevere.

I am so blessed to have been GIVEN everything I need for a darkroom, which I set up in my laundry room. I'm working on a handful of different photo project which are all really exciting.

Yesterday I had a meeting with a wonderful lady named Daria who is the director of 24/7Prayer in Canada. Daria is also involved with organizations that are working to bring awareness to the sex and human trafficking industry in Montreal. I learned that Montreal has one of the biggest human trafficking industries in North America, but what is crazy is that it is so well organized and hidden. We talked about what is happening in Montreal and how I (and Amy, another girl in ywam) can be involved. Right now Montreal doesn't have a prayer room, but we talked about what we could do to get momentum going in the city to start one. We will start working on the details of having a city-wide 48 hr prayer event with all the churches in an area in the middle of the major Universities as well as near where there is a lot of prostitution.

Please be praying for me and the DTS team. Pray for us as we are each finding our place to get involved in and serve the city. Pray that we will be open to what the Lord is speaking to us during our weeks of training. Pray for unity within our community, we have definitely been facing the challenges of living in close contact with people from other cultures and who came with different expectations. Pray that my French will continue to improve. Pray that the rest of my support will come in the next 1.5 months.

I'd like to thank everyone who has encouraged me over the past month and a half, you really have no idea how much it means to me.