Taking responsibility

One of my first influences in photography used to always say, "You have to take responsibility for every part of your frame," which was in essence was his nice way of encouraging us to quit making excuses for poorly composed images. I think over time, though, advice like this has helped me to simplify my photos compositionally. I went shooting the other day in Verdun and Laurier park with his advice in my mind. So, here is an attempt at taking responsibility... 

unlearning how to pray. (and other things i learned in the prayer room)

Last weekend I helped my friend from 24/7 Prayer Canada put together 48hrs of prayer for the city (like the one we did last year). The whole idea was to encourage folks from different church backgrounds to come together and seek God's heart for the city.

Because we didn't have as much help as we did last year, I ended up spending about 13hrs as the in-charge-person at the prayer room, both alone and with other people, over the weekend. However oddly enough, for someone trying to be so involved in promoting prayer for the city, I was really struggling with the idea of an event like this. Its hard to explain exactly why this is, I think I like the idea of prayer, it certainly has played an important role in my faith especially at specific times, but I think I was struggling with asking myself "what's the point of an event like this?" and even more specifically, "what's the point of prayer?"

I know what you're thinking... I mean I'm a missionary, I shouldn't question these things. But the questions "What kind of difference will these 48 hrs of prayer make? Is there really any point?" kept going through my head.

This made it kind of tough to promote the event with excitement. I kind of felt like a fraud encouraging people to come pray for the city while in the back of my head wondering if I really knew why I was going.  The night before my first long early morning shift in the prayer room, a friend asked me in a somewhat sarcastic manner, "So what do you expect to be different on Monday after you guys have prayed for 48hrs?" I responded by telling him that I didn't know what would be different in the city, but hopefully those who prayed for it will be changed.

There is was. Without even realizing it I had answered part of my question and frustration with prayer, especially in this context. Prayer changes us. But is that it? It seems like part of this mystery praying, but is it the only reason we pray?

Another part of the answer to my struggle came early Sunday morning. Not all of the prayer time slots were filled, so it was my job, as the in-charge-person, to pray until the next person arrived. So there I was, trying to pray for things that weren't really on my heart. Now, like many who grew up as Christians, I've always thought of prayer as one thing: me pouring my heart out to God, and then saying Amen. And no matter how many times I've been told that we should also pray by listening, meditation, contemplation, etc, I still end up finding myself following this specific "model" I learned as a child.

Anyways, that early morning I just couldn't do it; I couldn't force myself to "pray." So I just sat there and looked out the window as the city woke up, and I felt so much peace. I made myself sit still, and at that moment I experienced a much more real communion with God, without using words.

Everyday I receive a meditation from Richard Rohr from the Center for Action and Contemplation, the recent messages have been about wisdom. This is from one of his meditations a few days ago, "Enlightenment (referring to wisdom) is not about knowing as much as it is about unknowing; it is not so much learning as unlearning. It is more about entering a vast mystery than arriving at mental certitude... A too quick and easy answer is invariably a wrong one."

I think he is on to something. I believe once I think I know what prayer is, that is right when I probably don't really know at all. I realize now that part of my struggle has been wanting to know what prayer is supposed to be and really how to do it, but any "definitions" seemed insufficient. I think I'm realizing that prayer really happens somewhere between the learning and unlearning, between the knowing and unknowing. I think God is found between the seeking and the stillness. Maybe prayer is something we can describe but cannot define.

"Beauty resides where truth and goodness meet mystery..." I heard this said while listening to a podcast on beauty and art. What if this idea has something to do with prayer? What if in order to be real, to be beautiful, prayer shouldn't just contain truth and goodness, those things that are far more calculable, but also mystery, unknown, this thing that compels us but we cannot quite grasp?

During that time of stillness with God, he was reminding me that it is good to live with the mystery, to remember that in all the ways I know him, he is still unknown. And at that moment the Great unknown mystery was so very close to my heart.

Another beautiful moment came that same morning a few hours later when some friends from Echad came to the to pray together. We sat together on pillows and beanbags and each shared what was on our hearts, joys and struggles, and then together we talked with God about those things. It was in that time praying together with those people that I love, that i realized (again) that prayer also unites. It brings people together in a special, unique way.

So maybe at this point I still don't really know how to pray, but I think I'm just a little bit closer to the knowing, and also a little closer to the unknowing. Some things that are beautiful and important and necessary, aren't things that we can fully understand. But its good to live with the mystery.

finally back

About 6 months ago, while riding on a train from New York City to Montreal, I began writing. I was trying to as honestly as possible to begin reflecting and processing through the experiences I had had in the months prior: all that I had learned through the dts, and life outside of it; what I was beginning to understand about community; what I was beginning to understand about myself. My attitude at that moment was somewhere between joyful and confused... mostly confused though, it is harder to understand things while you are still in the middle of them.

A few weeks ago I was back on that same train riding through those beautiful mountains and I began writing again. Naturally my perspective was very different, although once again I was in a very reflective mood (gotta love the mountains, they inspire). It was lovely to spend those hours alone, soaking the view and good music, thinking, praying, wondering. Maybe its because it is fall (which happens to be one of my favorite things), but I'm pretty sure that train through those mountains is magic.

Maybe someday I'll be able to make sense enough of what I've written in all of these attempts to process life to share with the some of you. Maybe not, we'll see.

But at last here I am, back in the city and full of anticipation!
I realized why I have been terrible about updating this blog, usually I use photos to tell the story of what is happening with me, but due to quite a bit of trouble with my luggage, the camera I usually use (along with some of my darkroom equipment) hasn't quite made it yet (fortunately my cameras will be here any day now, however if anyone wishes to contribute to the safely-ship-Alyce's-darkroom-equipment-to-Quebec fund please feel free to do so with the donation button at the bottom of the page). So here is a brief update on whats happening with me:

I've started taking french classes, which takes up quite a bit of time, but I'm learning and reviewing much grammar and things that I've forgotten. I started helping out again at St. James drop in center for the homeless; I'm helping more in the art room now than before, which is really fun, and I've learned quite a bit from the guys who come there. I've been doing lots of different things for ywam; doing some work on the website, preparing for the a big ywam conference on the challenge of post-Christendom we are hosting this spring. We are also in the middle of a lot of transition (which is both exciting and frustrating, to say the least), so there have been many conversations about our vision, ideas and plans for the upcoming season, and how our presence in the city and the christian community should change or adjust, if we will have another dts, if we will do something completely different (feel free to email me for specific ways you can pray about this with us).

Thankyouthankyouthankyou to all of those who have encouraged and supported me. It means more than you know.

As I was writing this the mailman came to the door with the box containing my camera, running shoes, extra hard drive, and a few other things I've been missing. woohoo!

a quick trip.

Last week I went with my family to Montréal for a week. This visit had been planned for some time, it had been a while since we had all been together with Brendan and Caroline without any ministry happening, and originally this trip was supposed to be when I went up to Montréal to stay, before plans changed.

It was so lovely to be there in the summertime; everything is so very alive! You can imagine in a place that stays frozen for so much of the year, the months of warm weather will be lived fully.. unlike in the south where the heat is often unbearable. Almost everyday was spent outside enjoying the city and our time together as a family and with good friends.

It was a good respite from this odd in-between preparation time. I was sad to leave.

I want to thank you all for showing me support over the last week or so! Over the past few days a number of folks have decided to support me financially on this journey of ministry. I still need 17 individuals or families to commit to supporting me with $30 a month, please pray about joining me in this. You can give with the paypal donate button at the bottom of this blog, or for other ways email me at alycehardee@gmail.com

Downtown Montréal during the fashion and design festival

My ridiculously cool siblings

transition; reflections on a journey.

So much has happened in the month since I last posted anything on this blog. I left Montreal two weeks ago to come back to the Carolinas for a few months. My last few weeks of DTS in were spent processing and reflecting together and individually on our 8 month journey. It was a really good way to finish; there was just a sense, as we went through the last weeks, of the weight of all the Lord had done in each of our lives this year.

We were each required to do a presentation on our internships and sort of sum up what we've learned about ourselves through the process of this year. It was good for me to spend some time thinking through my art process (photography was part of my internship) and how I've grown. What has come to be so real for me in the past months through art making and life is that I see evidence of the Lord's work and presence everywhere. He is there with the things that are broken and hurting and he is found in beauty and joy. This brings me to a place of such wonder, joy and worship; a place where I wish to truly live and experience this life with God with abandon, allowing my photography to come out of that place.

I've also been reflecting a lot on what I've learned about the church and how my perspectives have changed. Its a bit strange being home, where, at least by comparison, Christianity is quite saturated into the culture. I realized at some point this past week, while thinking about the church in Quebec versus the church in Charlotte, that you almost cannot compare the two, they are just in completely different places.

That being said, the big question in Quebec is what should the church look like in a culture that is moving quickly into Post-Christendom, a culture which in recent history has walked away from the church, and barely recognizes the gospel? What's more, the few churches that are there, hardly reflect the culture of Quebec, rather they are like the evangelical, English-speaking missionaries' church culture of 40 years ago. It is a strange dichotomy. Its kind of like when you were a kid and you were given hand-me-down clothes from your cousins in Vermont; it was generous of them to give you their clothes, but they didn't always fit right, and the styles in Vermont are pretty different from what people wore back where you grew up. Sometimes you wanted to pick out your own clothes, but maybe their's were nicer than what you could afford, so you took them anyways. This is a bit like the church in Quebec, a reflection of the English speaking/American church model, complete with translated songs and books. What some Christian leaders and thinkers are realizing is that the American model is for the American people, and in Quebec it simply isn't working.

I have a lot more going on in my head on this subject, but thats as much as I'm going to write about it for now(stay tuned for more!). I love the Christians of Quebec, they have a profound love for Christ, and I've experienced such beautiful community among them. And now what I pray is for a missional, grassroots movement of the gospel coming from the French-speaking Quebecois heart.

My time at home has been very relaxing so far, I'm enjoying my time with family and friends. I am currently in the process of raising monthly financial support for my work up in Quebec. Please consider supporting me on this journey. You can donate through this blog using paypal or for other ways let me know and I can get you more information. Also please pray with me that God would prepare my heart and mind for my return to Montreal to live and serve among the people that I love so much. It is such a joy knowing that I will be returning soon.
                                                                                                             

Metro Parc 

Stairs at the Fraternité Monastique Des Frères De Jérusalem

springtime.

I've had quite a few photos to catch up on recently.. it has been a busy few weeks for me. I only have a little over a week left in Montreal before heading home for the summer. Its a bitter sweet time. I am looking forward to seeing friends and being near family for a while, and at the same time I am going to miss Montreal and the people here so much.. especially because summers up here are glorious. Fortunately I am coming back, and knowing that makes it a little better. I've taken some time over the past few days to begin to reflect on and process all that I've learned and experienced over these 8 months. It really brings me to a place of humility and thanksgiving, I have been so blessed. Hopefully in the not-so-distant future I'll be able to blog about the fruits of all of this reflection. 

Anyways, here are some recent photos. The 1st 7 are from our trip to New York and the rest from my neighborhood project. All were taken with 35mm hp5. 

a thousand steeples

A few weeks ago we went as a group to visit a handful of churches in the city. We spent a morning with each pastor and priest of the different churches, listening to them share a little about their congregations and their thoughts on what it means to be the church. I find the diversity of the church fascinating, and equally interesting to me is which of the traditions I am drawn to based on those short meetings.

One of the mornings, we visited the pastor of a nearby church that meets in an old theater. I had been to this theater before, and during the week when it is empty the building reminds me a of The Phantom of the Opera- kind of creepy and mysterious. Anyways, after a satisfactory meeting the pastor led us up through the theater to a little door at the very top which opened to the roof, and from there we went up a ladder to the very highest part of the roof.

If you can imagine a perfect (well almost, still slightly chilly) spring day, I was facing south and just ahead and to my right was Mount Royal, the tiny mountain situated in the middle of the city. A little further to my right was St Joseph's Oratory, its giant dome perched on the backside of the mount. Further ahead just before the water I saw downtown Montreal, with its modest skyscrapers... an old law makes it illegal to build buildings higher than the cross that rests on top of Mount Royal.

What was most incredible though were all of the churches that could be seen from the roof of this theater. Hundreds of beautiful churches, all telling a rich yet broken story; a story that left off with abuse, mistrust and rejection. The pastor mentioned that when Mark Twain visited Montreal he called it "the city of a thousand steeples." Yet so many of these churches are empty shells, testifying to the culture's speedy shift towards post-christianity.

The view was breathtaking. Montreal is lovely in the spring.

A few weeks ago I decided officially that I would commit another year to living in this city. After much prayer and thought I realized that it wouldn't make sense for my time here to be finished, I am still compelled by the story of this culture and a desire to see redemption in all spheres of influence.

My dts is quickly moving towards its end and I've been in the process of reflecting on all that I've lived and learned since I've been here. In about one month I'll be heading back to Charlotte for the summer to work and raise support so that I can return. Next spring I'll be on staff with YWAM doing a number of things: continuing my photography work, continuing my involvement with St James drop in center, assisting with an urban cultures night class, and taking over some administrative tasks.

I love that I can further invest here, and I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to return.

I wish I could show you a picture of the view of Montreal from the roof of that theater, but I didn't have my camera with me that day. Lesson learned.

window light two.

Some recent window lit photos. There was a light leak when the film was processed, thus the random light flares... but I kind of like them. 

Myriam

Myriam

Jeroen.. lurking in the shadows

Nell Lavendar

Lauren and Nell

Denny

Denny

Justin  

Maurice on the bus

Nick- Pastor at St. Stevens Anglican Church

some old, some new

winter

Metro Snowdon

Plateau-Mont Royal Neighborhood

Metro Snowdon

Harmonica playing lady on the metro!

window light.

le vieux port.

Winter at the Old Port. One cold, snowy day my friend Justin and I ventured out and photographed an industrial area near the port. All the photos are were taken with 35mm hp5 film.

 

getting ready.

Its been a fun and busy few weeks up here. My family and the La Clef team came up here for a visit, we celebrated the 25th anniversary of ywam Montreal with a big party, and as often as I've been able to I've worked on photos for the arts night that is coming up this weekend. Yesterday I locked myself in my bedroom-turned-darkroom all afternoon and evening to finish printing all the photos for this weekend. I'm working on a handful of pieces with some older images that I've kept around waiting for the right combination and time to bring them out, as well as some new work from my time in Montreal. Here is a bit of what I have been doing. I'll have more photos of the finished pieces up here as well.

trying so hard to be organized